Misadventures of a Misfortunate Snape
by Daily Dose Of HP Funny
Summary: Snape goes through many challenging and embarrassing moments throughout his life
1. The Blob

A sixth-year named Severus Snape was running fast and hard to get away from the tormenting James Potter. He panicked when he reached a dead end. _I have to hide!_

Severus ran into an empty unused classroom and James ran right by. "That was close," Snape said to himself.

Just then, he heard footsteps, followed by the loud, obnoxious voices of Remus Lupin and Sirius Black. _Oh no! What do I do? _Thought Snape. He ran into an empty broom closet on the end of the classroom.

Snape heard Remus and Sirius come into the room. "This is perfect," said Sirius.

"Well, I don't know. What if we get caught? That would be humiliating!"

"Just relax a little, will you? I do stuff like this all the time! If a teacher comes, just stuff it back into your robes!"

At this, Severus jumped, and his ears were now unwillingly alert.

"Ew, it's all…sticky!"

"What happens if you poke it? Oh! I think it just grew a little!"

"Tie those ropes around it! Yeah, perfect!"

Snape was frozen in place. He couldn't move. He was too disgusted.

"Do that thing again-yeah, that! I like it when you do that!"

"It's like it has a mind of its own!"

Then Snape heard James walk in. He said, "Have you guys seen Snivellus? He's gonna pay for tha-whoa! Can I try? That looks like fun."

Severus had to suppress a gag when James said, "What happens when we swing them around?"

_I'll have them expelled this time for sure!_ Snape flung the door open. "Aha! You guys are disgusting! I knew you looked like the kind of boys who—what is that?" Snape pointed at a glob of green slime in the middle of the three.

Sirius replied, "It's a blob I accidently made in potions. And what are you talking about? The kind of boys who do what, _Snivellus_?"

Snape was mortified, a blush was creeping up his neck and his face went hot. "Well…um, see, I thought that, uh, it just sort of sounded like…umm-" He was interupted by James.

"Oh my GOSH, Severus! You are disgusting. You think we would actually do THAT? Come on guys, let's go. See you later, _Snivellus._


	2. Joining Voldemort

Severus Snape moved silently through a forest in Albania, towards the designated meeting place. "My Lord," he said, kneeling down in front of a black cloaked figure, "I am ready to do all it takes to serve you."

"And why do you wish to serve me?" it said.

"Actually I don't really know…my dark character just sort of seemed to fit the part. Plus I just needed a new hobby. Knitting's just not cutting it."

"Very well. That's better than some of the reasons I've heard. Now as soon as I brand you with a dark mark, you will be my servant."

"Where does the mark go, my Lord?"

"I think you know where, Severus."

"But I want to have children!"

"Ha! Fat chance!"

Voldemort took out his wand and said, "Stand up."

Severus Snape stood up and covered his eyes with his forearm, bracing himself for immense pain in a very sensitive spot. He was utterly confused when he felt the wand touch his forearm.

He looked up. "My Lord, it's a…it brings a…pleasant tingly sensation!"

The Dark Lord gave a sort of smile. "That's what most of them say. Now, you are my servant. MAKE ME A SANDWICH! And remember, mustard upsets my stomach. And no cheese; I'm lactose intolerant."


	3. Nose Job

A cloaked figure stole across the hallway towards his target, blending in amongst the rest of the students. No one noticed the figure; no one did. When it reached its quarry, a greasy haired fourth-year, it slipped a note into the deep folds of his cloak.

The student didn't find the note until that night, sitting in the Slytherin boys' dormitory, taking off his cloak to prepare for his nightly bath-yes, he did take baths.

_Snivellus, meet me in the courtyard at midnight. This is a matter of life and death. It is important we meet alone. Bring no one. _

Snape read it again and again, wondering what this was all about.

Severus walked down the hall, to the courtyard. He could see the figure looming ahead. _Now what could possibly be so urgent as to—_"Hello, Snape." The tall cloaked man sounded almost eager to say something, but when he spoke again, his voice was sirius-I mean serious.

"I thought you might not come. You're very late, you know," said the person behind the cloak. "Well get on with it. I sill have papers to grade," said an agitated Snape.

"You must heed my warning or be in mortal peril."

"Spit it out!"

"All right. You need…a…_nose job._

**DUN DUN DUN!**

**Thanks so much to my beta, 6ur6! ()**

**Please, comment, rate, and poll!**


	4. April Fools

Severus Snape was eating his daily flavorless, watery porridge (you are what you eat :P). He was about to pick up _The Prophet_, but as soon as he closed his fingers around it, his feet were lifted from the ground and he was surrounded by a blur of colors.

_Crap, it's a portkey! _He thought. As abruptly as it had started, his feet hit the ground with a thud, and he fell on his knees. He stood up on black asphalt, and as he did, he noticed he was staring straight at a red car. The car honked and screeched around him.

Snape ran off the road, and now, people were staring. They were all muggles that were unaccustomed to seeing a middle-aged man in nightgown under robes. So many muggles! He could practically smell them…

Severus reached inside his robes and pulled out his wand. _I've always wanted to try this,_ he thought. He pointed his wand at a male muggle's belt. It promptly unbuckled itself, and the man's pants fell down. _Excellent,_ thought Snape.

Snape reached back for the portkey thinking it would take him back home, but this time he landed in a small clearing with a few small houses scattered here and there. But there were about 10-15 people walking around butt naked. A friendly looking man came up to Snape.

"Welcome," he said, "Thinking about joining a nudist colony such as ours?" Snape uttered a weird sound of shock: "NNIIAAA!" He grabbed for the portkey as quick as he could.

This time he landed in a small house. There was a man sweating, looking nervous. Snape could tell he was a wizard by the wand sticking out of his pocket, an owl in a cage, and chocolate frog wrappers all over the place. The wizard was sitting in front of a television.

"You gotta help me man! If I don't figure out how to turn this thing on I'm gonna-" Snape did not let him finish. He grabbed the newspaper but this time landed in Dumbledore's office at Hogwarts.

"April Fools!" said Dumbledore. _Damn, he gets me every year. Every FREAKIN' year! _thought Snape. "Oh, and Voldy called," Dumbledore continued, "He wants a sandwich.

**THANKS TO MY BETA, L6UR6**

**RATE, REVIEW, AND POLL!!**


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